I’m back again with the guys over at Talk Thirty To Me giving you a female’s perspective on how to date multiple people. Give it a read and then get out there (and have fun!) đđ»
Along with all of the positive feedback on my last article Dating in Your 30s: Why You Should Date âMore Than Oneâ to Find âThe Oneâ, I also got the repeat question:
So how do you find the time to date multiple people at at a time?
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Actually, it went more like this:
Thatâs what I have to do to get a boyfriend/girlfriend? I donât have time for that. Forget it, Iâm just going to be single.
Iâm not letting you off that easy. Firstly, there is nothing wrong with being single, but if youâve decided you do want a partner â a GOOD partner (one that is honest, respectful, consistent and compatible) â then youâll need to put forth some effort. Nothing amazing ever happened by sitting on your ass. That being said, it doesnât have to take over your life and there is a smart, effective way to go about it. For starters:
Get out there.
I donât mean in the Trader Joeâs near the fake meat â thatâs a fucking myth. Your first criteria for dating is availability, so be where the single people are. Some good places are: online, Meetup.com, singles events, speed dating. Get over your romantic attachment to a fated chance encounter. Iâm telling you how to date effectively, and Iâm also telling you it is waste of time to look for love in inconspicuous places. You wouldnât go to a Chinese restaurant for Mexican food, would you?
Say âyes.â
No, not to everyone. To those you find attractive and interesting. But make sure itâs to more than one person. Your intuition is not broken. It may be out of practice, but the more people you go out with, the better youâll get at knowing who is a good match.
Talk to 3-8 people at a time.
One at a time causes âall the eggs in one basketâ syndrome. Two is too much like a duel.  Three is good, and beyond that, feel out your own capacity. From my experience, anything more eight at a time is confusing because conversations start to run together. Likely youâll stay in Textlandia with some of these people and realistically go on dates with 3-5 of them. And for the love of God, donât text ALL of them ALL day. Text when it makes sense and I guarantee this will allow for a natural flow of excitement in getting to know each other.
Schedule 2-3 short in-person dates per week with different people.
By short, I mean a couple of hours â have a drink, catch a show, or get dinner. If itâs going well and it goes longer, cool. These can be after work, on a weekend, whatever. By having multiple dates lined up, youâre forced to just âfit them into your schedule,â which is all these people are at this time.   They are not your boyfriend or girlfriend yet, so donât give them a bigger place in your life or mind. A date is nothing more than an appointment in your calendar â but a fun one â which brings me to the most important thingâŠ
Have fun.
The first few dates are simply unwinding after your day/week with a new friend. So fucking relax already. And if youâre not having fun, end it politely and go home. You have another one lined up anyway.
Be honest.
This is as important as having fun. Be up front about dating other people. No need to make it weird or brag, but if it comes up or you feel the other person is overly committed, donât lie. Trust me. This world is small and life is too short to stress about someone you donât even like yet seeing you out with someone else.
Say no.
Just as I said say âyesâ to who you want, say ânoâ to who you donât. If youâre not feeling someone and he or she hits you up for another date, say youâre not interested romantically and wish them best of luck. Stop ghosting and be a goddamn adult. Realize the same may be said to you, or you may be ghosted on. Know it has nothing to do with you as a person and look forward to the next date.
Stop when itâs not fun.
If youâre dreading your next date or cringing at every text, it could be a sign you need to take a break. Maybe itâs time for more âyouâ time â which is great. When I found myself getting annoyed at a mere âhey, howâs it going?â it was clear I was the unavailable one. I stopped for a while â a long while â and tried again later.
Dating multiple people is lesson in abundance. Youâll see that many people match with you and vice versa. In the end (if thatâs what you want), you choose one. But that doesnât mean there is ONLY ONE. It just means you chose each other â nothing more, nothing less. Meeting people with a scarcity mentality (ie. I need this one to be âthe oneâ) yields scarce, and thus stressful, results. Love is everywhere and will be there whenever youâre ready.